Gift Shop

Hey.

I don't mean to have much time to pass between entries. It hurts me when I do. I hate disappointing myself, current and future. Especially future. That poor bastard. He'll be okay, especially in these recent times. 

Filming begins on July 15th-16th. The film is called King Eddie now. It'll be a good film. I hope. The lead actor is me. Can you believe it? I'm acting now. I'll give it my all, I promise. How much more failure can I really endure at this point? Very little.

I'm listening to Spotify and Nightcall by Kavinsky turned on. I remember when I first heard this song back in 2012. I was fresh out of film school. Eager, hopeful, excited. I had plans to move to LA, even if it was half-hearted. I was an entirely different person, for worse or better. Better in, I had a hunger, and my ADHD wasn't in full swing. Worse because, like I said in previous posts, I was filled to the brim- and overflowing with delusion. Orlando was my playground, then. Shooting music videos everywhere in addition to nightlife photography. He was a different boy, yes, still a boy, as he never grew up. Now, he's a man longing to be the boy.

It's like a ride coming to an end, but you can't get out of the seat until you die. I'm sitting still, the metal bar pressing my body into the seat with my neck craning behind me at the roller coaster tracks I was flying through. I have time before I can get off, but can I have one more ride? Let me feel the winds slapping my face, the gravity of experience and memories pressing into my gut. Let me think about what it's like to laugh again. And not a chuckle but a hearty laugh from my soul. Please. Let me live once more before getting off the ride and heading toward the exit. I promise, if you do indeed let me go again, I promise I'll buy a souvenir in the gift shop.