Is it bright where you are? 1/15/2021

 I can't see past my own shadow; Its darkness is blinding. 

My imagination has become a crippling obstacle to my growth, not how one would think. I'm creative: Imagination is a tool that must remain sharpened. But what happens when it drowns you in itself like quicksand? I lay in my bed all day, consumed by it, living far more stimulating lives on repeat. I ENTER A FANTASY LIFE when I wake from a night of dreams. I've lived a thousand lifetimes, fathered hundreds of children, and fell in love with the perfect woman, ad nauseam. I've been the revolutionary, the celebrity, the misunderstood artist, The criminal who managed a daring escape, and the overworked detective who put him in jail; I have been the broken hero and the redeemable villain. 

How does reality have a chance against the imagination? 

Nothing happened after that gig in Atlanta. No connections were made, and I concluded it was one big mistake.

My brother offered me a rent-free living arrangement while he lived on base(military) in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Denver was popping off, and there may be more film opportunities there, as Florida was a dead-hot swamp. I was so desperate for a change I didn't even hesitate. I packed and shipped my broken ass to Colorado.

A few months in, whispers floated from the cold mountain wind. Quentin Tarantino was shooting Hateful Eight deep in the Colorado mountains. It was fate! I've gushed at the thought as he was an indie filmmaking God. This is the sign I was looking for! How could it be that when I unexpectedly move to a random state, he will shoot his movie 4 hours from me!? 

The expectation is a bitch. The expectation is the bastard son of the imagination, and as I would soon find out, it is unwilling to match my boring bitch reality.

I didn't get hired on, not even as a PA. I found a girl who did, and I stalked her on Facebook. Who did she think she was? How dare she rob me of MY dream!? Has she even seen a film by him? Did she even know who the fuck he was!?

This is the first example of my entitlement. I wasn't aware of it then, unlike how I am now. Back in those days, I saw myself as an undiscovered filmmaking genius. The second coming of Cinematic Christ. My films were going to change the world, didn't you understand? My destiny, MY RIGHT, is to work on his film and go on my cinematic journey! Hindsight is indeed a cum-guzzling whore. 

I finally managed to get some steady reality TV gigs through 2015-16. All paid, of course, so it was OK. I could even afford to go on a cruise with my brothers ( my money-spending issues will come up later). Some gigs took me out of state, so I was sedated. None of it took me to LA, and I soon learned that Reality TV and Scripted Movies/shows are two industries and rare to hop over.

I was broke and stuck. I needed the money, so I kept going for the reality gigs. And they kept getting worse in quality. Many shows didn't even have IMDB pages, so all those credits were like tears in the rain.

Then winter struck. The chill froze over my income, and the gigs stopped. At this time, my brother and I moved off base and into an apartment. No more rent-free. No gigs, so guess what? Day job. 

Now, even to this day, I support day jobs. Duh. You have to pay your bills to keep pursuing your career goals. It wasn't that big of a deal. I'll work at Five Guys Burgers and Fries for a few months until the shows return. Then, I would save money and move to LA. Easy.

I worked at Five Guys for two years and became a manager. The gigs did come back, sure, but here and there. It was never like before and didn't allow me to quit.

I remember the last paid Reality Gig I worked on. I was hired as a PA (Production Assistant) with a team that was documenting the Pikes Peak downhill racing, which is historic. It even had a Ken Block showcase (Pro Rally Driver and MTV Celeb). It was legit a dope show. I met another PA named Chris. We were roughly the same age and aspired to work our way to First Assistant Camera. We both kicked ass and took names on the shoot and afterward, we connected on social media, etc.

A month or so later, Chris sent a gig my way. It was last minute and was a two-day shoot. The problem: I was already on the schedule at my day job, and my boss was cool but not that cool. As there wasn't guaranteed work after and I had little money, I told the Production Manager I had to pass on that show. If I got fired from my day job, I was fucked.

Chris called and said, disappointingly, that I shouldn't have said no to that. Guess who lives in LA and works as a 1st Assistant Camera on million dollar productions as I write this?

Is it bright where you are? Where I am, my imagination is a vampire, and its thirst is unquenched.