Emotions are annoying. 1/16/2021

I went on a trip to memory lane an hour ago.

It was devastating, catastrophic, and tragic; the longing for a different life slapped the fuck out of me. I wasn't prepared for it, and the pain brought me to my knees.

There's a distant chapter of my life that desperately needs closure, and the only way I can do that is to make something of myself. It was one of those eras that defined you, and you can trace your failures. "If it didn't happen, I would be someone else." type of deal. It's true, and I have confidence in the thought of it, but the problem is getting stuck in the fantasy. I imagine what I would've done right; I am sure the mistakes never would have been made. Fantasy is a sticky thing. It gets in the crooks and crannies of the brain, and it's challenging to fall back to reality.

Now, I sit in front of my computer, even more lost. I'm so disappointed in myself and the choices that have led me to this point. This is not what I dreamed of as a kid, nor did I ever imagine I would endure so much self-inflicted failure.

I'm still very raw emotionally. I needed to make a dent in the book I was writing, and I was in the middle of doing so when a car picked me up and drove me on a chaotic drive down the memory highway. I will attempt to return to it, but my chest still hurts.

"Maybe in a different life when we are both cats."